Are You F*#@ing Kidding Me?
By Antonella Giles
There was a time when I knew exactly what I was going to be doing every day, and I did it without questions or complaints through each phase of my life. I went to University and got a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Interior Design. I got a great job straight out of school and worked hard to build relationships and a career that I thought I enjoyed doing. I got married and worked to support my husband through his career changes. I had babies. I added skills to my design credentials such as broadcasting, facility management and real estate, because I wanted variety. All the while focused and determine through each step to give my life purpose and meaning.
But for some reason that seems like a lifetime ago. For years now it seems I’ve felt lost, unfocused and very unclear as to what I want to do. At the time I was actually looking forward to turning 40, with all these new ideas and dreams in my head. Until I did turn 40, and then my life began to spiral in a completely different direction then I wanted it to go. I spend most of that decade taking care of everyone else, like helping my dad take care of my mom, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. All the while still working and definitely struggling through raising my kids. Needless to say, “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” became my infamous mantra on a daily basis.
Don’t get me wrong, despite the mishaps, and there were a lot of them, I've enjoyed my life, and I didn’t go through any of the trials and tribulations alone. I have a loving and supportive husband who has been my sounding board, as well as my punching bag, and has done it with calmness and a smile. Thank goodness for Capricorns. We started dating in high school and he has been with me every step of the way. He works hard at his own job and still manages to pick up my slack and do most things around the house. He is definitely a good man and father blah, blah, blah…but enough about him, this is my story!!
Over the last few years I have found myself constantly feeling tired, unmotivated, anxious, sad, worried and most of all angry. Crying in the shower for no apparent reason seems to be as routine as washing my hair. On the outside I would seem “fine” to anyone who would asked, but I was slowly dying on the inside. All the things I set out to do after my children were born seemed to become distant memories and my spiraling life made me feel as if I had no idea whether I was coming or going.
This year I celebrated my 50th birthday, unfortunately during a pandemic no less, so all the plans I had for this milestone vanished. All but one! I decided that it was time for a drastic change. I wanted...no needed...to start my own business and put the focus back on myself. After extensive hours, days, weeks and months of thinking, reading and researching, the idea became clear. But I struggled with the what and the how. I knew I wanted to communicate to others, to inspire anyone with similar struggles, and triumphs. I knew I wanted do something that I would be passionate about. So my inner voice quietly...well maybe not so quietly...screamed “Are You Fucking Kidding Me? You need to create your own website and sell the products you would buy for yourself and write about the things you think matter”.
So here it is…my first attempt at words on paper (so to speak), and the beginning of sharing my ideas, my inspirations, my dismays, my fears and revelations. I’ve decided to put my heart on my sleeve and become vulnerable to the world. As terrifying as that sounds, I couldn’t be happier!
A goal without a plan is just a wish.
ANTOINE DE ST. EXUPÉRY